Navigating ‘the funeral talk’ can feel just as daunting and uncomfortable as other big life chats. If you’re not sure where to start, this guide is for you. 

It’s easy to put off these types of conversations, telling ourselves there will be time later or a better moment. But putting your funeral wishes into words now can give you peace of mind and make things a bit easier for your loved ones in the future.

In this guide, we’ll share practical steps for turning a difficult topic into a meaningful conversation, all while looking after yourself and your loved ones throughout the process.

Chances are, it won’t ever feel like the perfect time to talk about your funeral wishes. Waiting for one often means the conversation never happens. Plus, it’s not the sort of thing that’s easy to bring up spontaneously! It’s much better to plan ahead and let your loved ones know there’s something important you’d like to talk about. 

Here are a few message templates you can use as a starting point. 

• “Hi [Name], I’ve been doing some future planning and there are a few things I’d like to share with you – mainly around my funeral wishes. I’d love to talk you through what I’ve been thinking. Let me know when would be a good time to chat.”  
   

• “Hello! Not the cheeriest message you’ll get today, but I’ve been doing some life admin and realised I haven’t actually talked to anyone about planning for my funeral. I’d really appreciate having a conversation with you about it. It’s not urgent – I just want to make sure someone I trust knows what matters to me. Let me know when would be a good time to talk.” 
   

• “Hi [Name]. I’m planning ahead and putting some things in place for the future, including my funeral wishes. I’d like to sit down with you and talk through what I’ve been thinking. Are you free on [date/time]?”

• “Hi everyone, I’ve been doing a bit of future planning and I’d like to share some of my funeral wishes with you all. It’s not urgent, just something I want to get out in the open. You won’t need to prepare anything, I’d just appreciate having you there to listen. Can you all make it for dinner at our place on [date/time]?” 
   

• “I’ve been thinking about how I can make things easier for you all down the track. I’d like to talk through my funeral wishes with you all – things like the type of farewell I’d want. It won’t be a long conversation, and there’s nothing you need to do, I just want to talk it through so we’re all on the same page.” 
   

• “Hi everyone – this isn’t the easiest thing to raise, but it’s important. I’ve put some thought into my funeral wishes and I’d like to share them with you. Can you make it over for lunch at my place on [date/time]?”

Sending a considered message like one of the above can give your loved ones time to emotionally prepare, which will hopefully make for a less stressful conversation. 

Talking about your funeral will likely feel a little vulnerable for both you and the people you’re speaking with. Setting a few gentle expectations at the start can help create a sense of reassurance, so no one feels caught off guard.

Start by briefly explaining why you’re having the conversation. For example, because you want to make things a little easier for them when the time comes, or because you’re meeting with a financial planner and want to be prepared. This is especially important if your loved ones are prone to worry. 

• “I’m well and I hope my funeral is a long way off. I’m just planning ahead.” 

You’re not asking them to make decisions or take on responsibility – this is just an opportunity to share where you’re at. There’s also no pressure to cover everything in one go, this will likely be the first of many conversations.

• “We don’t need to go into all the details today.” 

Sometimes, knowing there’s permission to take a break can help people feel present. You might say: 

• “If the conversation feels too much at any point, we can pause and come back to it.”

If you have well-meaning family members who are prone to offering unsolicited advice or challenging decisions, it can really help to draw some boundaries. Be clear that you’re sharing information, not opening up a debate. You might say something like:

• “I’m not asking for input or opinions today, I just want to talk through what I’ve decided so far. I’m feeling really comfortable with my decisions.” 
   

• “I’ve put a lot of thought into this already and I’m content with where I’ve landed. I’ll let you know if I want advice.”

It’s also important to clarify anything you’re not ready to talk about just yet. Let your loved ones know if there are any off-limits topics.

Talking about your funeral can stir up a lot of emotions. Not just grief, but discomfort, opinions or even unexpected reactions. Think carefully about who you want in the room. Different people often respond to different communication styles, so taking a staggered approach can help.

Begin with someone you feel emotionally safe with. That might be a partner or spouse, a sibling, an adult child or a close friend. This person can also be your support person when you share your wishes with more people. 

Try not to speak to too many people at once. This gives everyone space to listen, reflect and respond without things becoming too emotionally overwhelming. Larger group settings can unintentionally lead to interruptions, emotional overload or even you feeling outnumbered. 

If you’re part of a friend or family group with strong personalities, differing beliefs or a history of tension, it’s completely OK to stagger these conversations. You don’t need to include everyone at once or even tell everyone exactly the same details. 

Even with the best intentions and well-laid plans, talking about your funeral can still stir up more emotion than you expect. It can be helpful to have a few phrases or strategies up your sleeve if this happens.

Grief, discomfort, sadness, awkwardness, numbness, even laughter – all responses are valid. Talking about your funeral wishes brushes up against all sorts of sensitive topics. Being prepared for that makes it easier to stay calm. If you feel unexpectedly emotional, take a breath, pause if needed and let yourself feel it. You don’t need to be stoic. 

Some people might go quiet. Others might try to make light of things, change the subject or deflect with humour. Everyone has different ways of processing sensitive information. Unless their reaction is hurtful or inappropriate, let them respond how they need to. You may even want to say something like “I know this is a lot – it’s okay if you’re not sure how to respond”. 

Try to set the conversation up for success as best you can by: 
 

• Choosing a calm, comfortable meeting spot
• Providing comforting snacks and drinks
• Considering a safe word or gesture that means ‘let’s pause’
• Picking a relaxed time of day, when no one needs to rush

You don’t need to cover everything in one go or have all the answers. Here’s a list of things you may want to talk through.

• Burial or cremation, or an alternative (e.g., natural burial, body donation)
• Preferred service location (e.g., funeral home, place of worship, outdoors, at home)
• Religious or spiritual elements, if any
• Any specific instructions for your remains
• Financial planning, e.g., funeral insurance, funeral bonds or a prepaid funeral plan

• The tone you’d like – traditional, relaxed, joyful, reflective, etc
• Who you’d like to be there, including anyone you’d prefer not to attend
• Any readings, quotes, poems, or songs that are meaningful to you
  

• Who you’d like to lead or guide the ceremony
• Anyone you’d like to speak, share a story, read a poem, or sing
• Anyone you’d like to help carry the coffin, if applicable
• Who should help make decisions if plans need to change
  

• Flowers or no flowers
• Food or gathering afterwards – and how you’d like that to feel
• Mementos or rituals (e.g., candles, photos, memory books)
  

Once the conversation is over, it’s a good idea to follow up with your plans in writing and check in with your loved ones. Here are some simple post-conversation steps. 

Follow up with a simple “Thanks again for making time to talk, it means a lot to me”.

This doesn’t need to be a legal document or a formal plan, though you can add it to your will or formalise it with your lawyer if you’re ready. 

You don’t need to have the same conversation with everyone, but you could ask your loved ones to share the high-level details with a few more trusted people if needed.

Involving a funeral professional can help make your wishes official and ensure nothing important gets missed.