Planning ahead together: A couple’s guide to aligning funeral wishes 

You might know exactly what you want for your own funeral. But does your spouse?

Talking about the end of life isn’t easy, especially with the person you love most. But funeral preplanning with your spouse gives you the chance to share your wishes, hear your spouse’s wishes, and make thoughtful decisions as a team. It’s also a smart way to avoid family conflict at a funeral, as it’s about respect, care, and making sure no one is left guessing. 

This guide will help you start the conversation, navigate the important choices, and plan together for what lies ahead. 

Let your spouse know you’d like to talk about your end-of-life wishes. You might say something like: “I know this isn’t the easiest thing to talk about, but I’ve been thinking about what I’d want for my funeral, and I’d really like us to share our thoughts with each other.”

Take some time to reflect individually. You don’t need to reflect on every detail, but having a general sense of your preferences will help the conversation flow more smoothly. 

Here are some key things to think about:

• The type of service you’d prefer
• Burial or cremation
• Readings, songs, or cultural traditions you’d like included
• Who you’d want there (and who you wouldn’t)
• Financial considerations, such as budget or prepaid funeral plans

You’ve found the right time. You’ve both taken time to reflect. Still, it’s normal to feel a little nervous once you’re sitting down together. Keep the bigger picture in mind: this is about protecting each other from stress and uncertainty in the future. It’s a loving thing to do. 

There are three perspectives to explore:

• What you want for your own funeral
• What your spouse wants for their funeral
• What each of you wants for the other’s funeral

To get the conversation flowing, ask open-ended questions such as “What kind of funeral would feel right for you?” or “If I passed away first, how would you want to say goodbye?”.

You don’t need to finalise anything in one sitting, but it can be helpful to touch on the basics. 

It’s completely normal for spouses to have different funeral wishes. The important thing is how you navigate those differences together.

Focus on listening, not persuading

Rather than trying to change each other’s minds, aim to understand where the other person is coming from. Ask questions like: “Can you help me understand why that’s important to you?”

Acknowledge emotions

If the conversation stirs up strong feelings, pause and acknowledge that. You might say something like: “This is tough, but I’m glad we’re talking about it”. This simple acknowledgement can help de-escalate tension.

Find common ground

Could you each make space for one or two non-negotiables? Is there a compromise that still feels respectful?

Take a break if needed

If things start feeling tense, it’s okay to pause and revisit the topic another time. These conversations don’t need to be completed in one sitting.

Bring in a trusted third party

Funeral directors are trained to help couples navigate these decisions and can offer perspective, guidance, and options that respect both sets of wishes.

Disagreements don’t have to derail your plans. With patience and mutual respect, you can still create a plan that honours both your values.

Once your conversation wraps up, take a moment to appreciate what you’ve both achieved. You’ve taken a major step to protect each other and your families from future stress.

To help this conversation really stick, here are a few next steps. 

Write things down

Record what you’ve discussed. If you feel ready, you might consider documenting both of your funeral wishes with a funeral director. 

Check in regularly

Make it a habit to revisit your plans from time to time, especially after big life changes.  

Reward yourselves 

Having these conversations can feel emotionally heavy, even when they go well. Plan something nice to do together afterwards to acknowledge the emotional effort you’ve both made.